Today's article is one I wish we never had to discuss, much less write about, but based on the increase in case work we've seen the last several months I just felt like it needed to be written. I'm not sure what's caused the uptick in Domestic Violence (DV) cases recently, and I'm definitely not one who looks to make excuses for any of societies ills. The list of excuses is long and there are plenty of people out here who are more than happy to make excuses for someone's behavior other than they are just a miserable human being who brings nothing to society. Here's a list of what I've seen working DV cases over the past years. If you recognize any of these in your relationship you need to strongly consider exiting the situation.
1. Controlling Behavior
I've seen this in almost 100% of DV cases I've worked. When one partner in a relationship absolutely controls the other, something's not right. "Where are you going?", "Where have you been?", "Why didn't you answer my call/text?" are not questions that are regularly asked in a healthy relationship. If your partner exhibits controlling behavior it's time to find a way out.
2. Extreme Jealousy
This goes along with the previously mentioned Controlling Behavior. If your spouse/significant other sees flirting where there is none, affairs when there are none, thinks you're on the prowl when nothing could be further than the truth, it is not healthy. I've often found when that when one partner exhibits extreme jealousy it's usually a sign that they have something going on the side and assume you do as well.
3. Forced Sex
If your partner forces you to have sex whenever you don't want it, you very well could be a victim of Domestic Violence. No partner, and it's usually males, should ever force another to participate in sex when the other partner doesn't want to. This is just another way to control a person and establish dominance. If you've ever been forced to have sex, particularly through physical aggression, you need to get out of this relationship. Give us a call and we can help you gather evidence to be used in any legal proceeding.
4. Verbal Abuse
Does your partner or significant other call you every name in the book with none of them being nice? In another form of controlling behavior, a person who verbally abuses another, especially one who's supposed to be their partner, only does it as a form of control and to make the person on the receiving end feel like they are worthless. I've seen verbal abuse used by cheating spouses to deflect away from their infidelity.
5. History of Battery
When you started to first get serious about the person you're in a relationship with, did you think about having a background investigation done on them? I strongly recommend that any one who is moving forward in a relationship with another person, hire a private investigator to conduct a background investigation on them. We can find out if they have a history of battery, have been named in Restraining Orders, have a history of arrests for domestic violence, etc. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. An individual with a history of abuse/battery is more than likely to continue that abuse in every relationship they enter into.
6. Relationship Fast Forward
This is one sign we caution clients we work for to be especially weary of. Any time a person tries to fast forward a relationship it should be cause for concern. Fast forwarding a relationship means, in the simplest of terms, wanting to spend every waking moment with a new partner that a person just met, saying "I Love You" much sooner than one would expect, wanting to cohabitate much sooner than is normal, and many other fast forwarding signs.
7. Isolation
Does one partner try to keep the other from spending time with friends, family or work associates? This is a technique used by abusers to separate their victim from anyone who might offer support or could point out that someone is an abuser. It's been my experience that isolation is a main tool a domestic abuser will use.
8. Cruelty to Animals and/or Kids
This one is a major RED FLAG!!! If you're with someone who is cruel to animals and/or kids, especially if they are yours, grab your stuff and run away as quickly as you can. So many studies have shown that some of the most prolific serial killers showed signs of being cruel to animals and/or kids in their past. If you see or experience this call local law enforcement and report it. If they aren't helping you, and oftentimes they can't until they have proof, call us and we'll help you gather evidence of this to put these POS's in jail!!! Nothing I hate more than someone who's cruel to animals and/or kids.
9. Violent Behavior or Threats of Violence
It should go without saying that violent behavior or threats of violence is one of the 12 indicators of an abusive relationship, but I'll point it out any way. If your spouse/significant other is violent, towards you or anyone else, or constantly levels threats of violence towards you, you're in an abusive relationship.
10. It's Not My Fault
Another trait I've seen over the years in abusive relationships is what I refer to as the "It's Not My Fault" excuse that all abusers fall back on. It's never their fault that they slapped you in the face, punched you in the mouth, pulled your hair, etc. It's always the victim's fault that "caused" the abuser to act out. If you're being blamed for the abuse you're suffering, you need to get out.
11. Hyper Sensitive
Many domestic abusers exhibit signs of hyper sensitivity. The abused partner will end up feeling like they are always walking on eggshells as the abuser has a hair trigger and gets set off by the slightest perceived injustice.
12. Perfection Complex
Our final sign of an abusive relationship is when the abuser suffers from a perfection complex. Not that they have to be perfect, oh no, you, the abused partner, must be perfect. If you're not living up to the perfection they demand, there's usually a price to be paid. Don't put up with it as you'll never be able to live up to what's expected and there will punishment delved out when perfection isn't achieved.
Hopefully this article well help someone out there who's in an abusive relationship and maybe didn't realize they were. Don't know how to get out of abusive relationship? Contact our firm and we can discuss various ways to gather evidence of the abuse and work with law enforcement to put the abuser where they belong. Under the jail.
Lee Walters
President
EXCALIBUR Private Investigation
Serving Colorado, New Mexico and South Carolina
719.208.4088; 505.208.6400; 803.806.7800
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